First I'd like to state that I'm going to be critiquing this piece as a part of ^Beccalicious' Cristmas is here! (Contest). But don't be afraid... it changes nothing. (As well as repayment for your lovely donation.)
At the beginning of my critiques I like to start off with my overall impression before I get down to the dirty bits. Although this poem carried no real message for me - it told an elaborate and enchanting story! Though the story may be gritty, it is deliciously so & I am so thankful you shared it with us.
I'll begin with a few strong points I saw in your writing:
Imagery
The imagery in this piece is so glorious & detailed! For example:
"-whose six inch stiletto heels can still be heard clacking down the hall."
This quote is a perfect example of the illustrious imagery throughout. There is a clear vision in my mind that is both interesting & fabulously refreshing! Keep this amount of charm in your writing and you'll do well.
Similes
God - I could go on for days about your similes. The only word I can even fathom to describe them is.... well, sexy. I freaking loved them - and to show my appreciation I'm going to point out the best of the best & hope that everyone reading this critique will make a note of its genius:
"Their bodies connect like a piercing blast from the gun at his hip..."
A delicious symphony of flavor.
Now for the dirty, constructive bits:
Wording
In some places I felt the wording sort of fell apart and at times... didn't necessarily make sense. Of course you can attribute this to my intelligence as a reader - but let me give you an example to show you what I mean.
"- and collapse onto down feather cushions, billowed by dreams..."
For me - billowed wasn't the best word to use here. I actually reread it twice to have a clearer understanding of it. I would consider changing it or disregarding my critique entirely if it's exactly what you meant to say.
All in all, my dear - this was a lovely piece that told an enchanting story. As down and dirty as it was - I cannot help but appreciate the beauty that is your wordplay. Keep it up, darling! You have many great poems ahead of you.
Sta.sh
First I'd like to state that I'm going to be critiquing this piece as a part of ^Beccalicious' Cristmas is here! (Contest). But don't be afraid... it changes nothing. (As well as repayment for your lovely
At the beginning of my critiques I like to start off with my overall impression before I get down to the dirty bits.
I'll begin with a few strong points I saw in your writing:
The imagery in this piece is so glorious & detailed! For example:
"-whose six inch stiletto
heels can still be heard
clacking down the hall."
This quote is a perfect example of the illustrious imagery throughout. There is a clear vision in my mind that is both interesting & fabulously refreshing! Keep this amount of charm in your writing and you'll do well.
God - I could go on for days about your similes. The only word I can even fathom to describe them is.... well, sexy. I freaking loved them - and to show my appreciation I'm going to point out the best of the best & hope that everyone reading this critique will make a note of its genius:
"Their bodies connect like
a piercing blast from the
gun at his hip..."
A delicious symphony of flavor.
Now for the dirty, constructive bits:
In some places I felt the wording sort of fell apart and at times... didn't necessarily make sense. Of course you can attribute this to my intelligence as a reader
"- and collapse onto down feather
cushions, billowed by dreams..."
For me - billowed wasn't the best word to use here. I actually reread it twice to have a clearer understanding of it. I would consider changing it or disregarding my critique entirely if it's exactly what you meant to say.
All in all, my dear - this was a lovely piece that told an enchanting story. As down and dirty as it was - I cannot help but appreciate the beauty that is your wordplay. Keep it up, darling! You have many great poems ahead of you.