Hey there, my dear!
First I'd like to state that I'm going to be critiquing this piece as a part of ^Beccalicious' Cristmas is here! (Contest). But don't be afraid... it changes nothing. (As well as repayment for your lovely donation.)
At the beginning of my critiques I like to start off with my overall impression before I get down to the dirty bits. Although this poem carried no real message for me - it told an elaborate and enchanting story! Though the story may be gritty, it is deliciously so & I am so thankful you shared it with us.
I'll begin with a few strong points I saw in your writing:
The imagery in this piece is so glorious & detailed! For example:
"-whose six inch stiletto
heels can still be heard
clacking down the hall."
This quote is a perfect example of the illustrious imagery throughout. There is a clear vision in my mind that is both interesting & fabulously refreshing! Keep this amount of charm in your writing and you'll do well.
God - I could go on for days about your similes. The only word I can even fathom to describe them is.... well, sexy. I freaking loved them - and to show my appreciation I'm going to point out the best of the best & hope that everyone reading this critique will make a note of its genius:
"Their bodies connect like
a piercing blast from the
gun at his hip..."
A delicious symphony of flavor.
Now for the dirty, constructive bits:
In some places I felt the wording sort of fell apart and at times... didn't necessarily make sense. Of course you can attribute this to my intelligence as a reader - but let me give you an example to show you what I mean.
"- and collapse onto down feather
cushions, billowed by dreams..."
For me - billowed wasn't the best word to use here. I actually reread it twice to have a clearer understanding of it. I would consider changing it or disregarding my critique entirely if it's exactly what you meant to say.
All in all, my dear - this was a lovely piece that told an enchanting story. As down and dirty as it was - I cannot help but appreciate the beauty that is your wordplay. Keep it up, darling! You have many great poems ahead of you.