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Poetry by nightshade-keyblade

Devious Collection by darkaerrow20


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December 6, 2012
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Tales tell of the wretched beast who greedily hid his horde;
     the wealth of his father's father lain deep in forgotten caves.
Many traveling bards grew weary of unfinished tales
     of who would brave the mountain and the monster who guarded the gate.

He had never slain a dragon nor held a trace of gold,
     but fables were born from truth and poor he should be no more.
The climb had left him bloody and scarred, but the cave was in his midst.
     In his weary eyes could see a golden gleam of treasure assured.

He entered the fazing darkness on tremulous faith alone
     with nothing but his dirty hands and subtly breaking limbs.
No light from within but what shown from without
     exposed the truth of the myth for which he would suffer.

A sleeping dragon slumbered upon dust and hollow bones;
     glory-seekers decaying into the monster's ghastly nest.
Ensnared in giant scales and thick wings of red veins
     was the tint of flushed skin encircled with long yellow hair.

He begged for the golden chests & ornate jewelry sworn,
     For the monster's treasure would not prevent a lifetime of despair.
A breaking rib under his heel caused the beast to rouse,
     and as the woman's eyes did flutter, she spared a few soft words:

"Please, do not steal me."

He fled from the mountain pass, carried by rushed winds;
     running for the sake of his life as if the beast had awoken.
Through heavy breaths and trembling hands
     he considered the dragon's choice.;

to find a woman with hair of such an illuminating hue;
     to stare into the eyes of endless certainty;
to plunge into darkness and never feel alone.

     He knew the monster for the wiser

… and no richer a man or beast could be.
:new: UPDATE:
:squee: Made it through round two of the tournament!




:nuu:

My third entry into the poetry tournament...



This is my entry for the second round of #poetry-book's Scratch That Poetry Tournament. As the rules stated, the participants could write about anything... except overly depressing subject matter. :giggle:

The theme for this round was formatting. In our poetry, we had to use formatting several times to create some sort of effect. In conjecture, the piece had to be written as a ballad as well.

In the end, I decided to twist the tale of the greedy dragon, Fafnir. As quoted by Wikipedia:

In the Icelandic Volsunga Saga (late 13th century), Fáfnir was a dwarf gifted with a powerful arm and fearless soul. He guarded his father's house of glittering gold and flashing gems. He was the strongest and most aggressive of the three brothers.

Fáfnir killed his brothers to get all the gold for himself. He became very ill-natured and greedy, so he went out into the wilderness to keep his fortune, eventually turning into a serpent or dragon (symbol of greed) to guard his treasure. Fáfnir also breathed poison into the land around him so no one would go near him and his treasure, wreaking terror in the hearts of the people.


Please let me know what you think. I'd love some feedback on this. :tighthug:

:heart: *OfOneSoul

, , &

Critique Questions:

:bulletred: How much like a ballad is this, really? ^^;
:bulletred: Where did the flow go wrong?
:bulletred: Do you like the story in general?
:bulletred: Should I have tried to rhyme this?
Add a Comment:
 
:iconcrazy-poet808:
This critique is on behalf of the group :iconwriters-at-heart:
First of I would like to say that the image was good. Though it was a little shaky here and there, for instance the beginning. I couldn't really grasp an image from them, but as the poem went on the image got a little better.
I found the occasional font change of words interesting yet a little distracting at the same time. I would read your poem and come across the change and get drawn to that for a moment before returning to read again, but that's enough time for me to forget a bit of what I was reading. Though it was an interesting change, not entirely a bad thing.
The technique and format you used was interesting to say the least. The plot and theme of this piece was received well with little distractions and breaks in the flow.
I am not so sure about the impact though, I got the point of the poem, it just didn't do wonders for me. It's not an "Oh wow this was spectacular!" But it was enough to satisfy me a little.

But overall good job! :)
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
6 out of 6 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconmichel-le-fou:
I have not been up to this until lately. However, in accord with the above, I must add my share that the choice of words and the line formations, and the story-telling capacity of this narrative are very standard. I have not written a narrative poem for some time. This serves as a good example for resuming the art.
Furthermore, the use of italics or bold type, as practiced generally in writing as emphasis, was fitting. The content is of course always the right of the author, and I will say little more than that. I have my own choices. Altogether a good read.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
5 out of 5 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconbloodlily16:
BloodLily16 Featured By Owner May 7, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
So true.
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:iconofonesoul:
OfOneSoul Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for the lovely comment, darling! :huggle: I haven't played Skyrim yet :shakefist: But I have played Oblivion and Morrowind, and it is nice to be compared to the game series at all. :blush:

If you do create a medieval fantasy poem, be sure to let me know! I would love to read it. :iconlaplz:
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You... haven't... played... Skyrim...?

As the high deacon of the altar of fantasy lore, holding in my hands the beacon of light, I COMMAND THEE to listen to the main theme of Skyrim. It is now your PURPOSE to avail upon this order, or bear the brunt of thine living with disdain, for having ignored the power of the Dragonborn and his worthy praise. All hail, the dragon born, who shalt lead us to the light... Amen...

Long story cut short, listen to that theme... believe me you won't be disappointed.

And yes, I'll let you know :)
Reply
:iconofonesoul:
OfOneSoul Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I KNOW I SHOULD PLAY IT! But my life has become DeviantArt :shakefist: Once I take a break from it, I'll probably make Skyrim my life. :giggle:

... And yes, all hail, the dragonborn! :worship:
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Ah, that'd be awesome lol and sad because I won't be able to talk to you. :( but in any case, good enough.

Indeed!!! And now, the anthem for the dragonborn!!!! ORCHESTRA, REJOICE!!!

*Orchestra rejoicing* *Echoing sounds resonating*

Dragonborn, Dragonborn, by his honor is sworn,

To keep evil forever at bay!

And the fiercest foes rout when they hear triumph's shout,

Dragonborn, for your blessing we pray!


Hearken now, sons of snow, to an age, long ago

And the tale, boldly told, of the one!

Who was kin to both wyrm, and the races of man,

With a power to rival the sun!


And the voice, he did wield, on that glorious field,

When great Tamriel shuddered with war!

Mighty Thu'um, like a blade, cut through enemies all,

As the Dragonborn issued his roar!


Dragonborn, Dragonborn, by his honor is sworn,

To keep evil forever at bay!

And the fiercest foes rout when they hear triumph's shout,

Dragonborn, for your blessing we pray!


And the Scrolls have foretold, of black wings in the cold,

That when brothers wage war come unfurled!

Alduin, Bane of Kings, ancient shadow unbound,

With a hunger to swallow the world!


But a day shall arise, when the dark dragon's lies,

Will be silenced forever and then!

Fair Skyrim will be free from foul Alduin's maw,

Dragonborn be the savior of men!


Dragonborn, Dragonborn, by his honor is sworn,

To keep evil forever at bay!

And the fiercest foes rout when they hear triumph's shout,

Dragonborn, for your blessing we pray!
Reply
:iconofonesoul:
OfOneSoul Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
So... I totally want to play now, if that was your intent.... and if you just made that up - you are oober badass! :nuu: But if you quoted it... yeah, I want to play Skyrim really bad. :iconlaplz:
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:) The latter... and yes, that was my intent...
Reply
:iconnightshade-keyblade:
nightshade-keyblade Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I was a little confused at first why you crossed out a line in your poem. But I love a good poem based on mythology.
Reply
:iconofonesoul:
OfOneSoul Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for your comment, darling! :huggle:

I've read comments about the crossed out line several times - so, I've decided to get rid of it. :stab: Thank you for your feedback, love! :smooch:
Reply
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