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December 6, 2012
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Tales tell of the wretched beast who greedily hid his horde;
     the wealth of his father's father lain deep in forgotten caves.
Many traveling bards grew weary of unfinished tales
     of who would brave the mountain and the monster who guarded the gate.

He had never slain a dragon nor held a trace of gold,
     but fables were born from truth and poor he should be no more.
The climb had left him bloody and scarred, but the cave was in his midst.
     In his weary eyes could see a golden gleam of treasure assured.

He entered the fazing darkness on tremulous faith alone
     with nothing but his dirty hands and subtly breaking limbs.
No light from within but what shown from without
     exposed the truth of the myth for which he would suffer.

A sleeping dragon slumbered upon dust and hollow bones;
     glory-seekers decaying into the monster's ghastly nest.
Ensnared in giant scales and thick wings of red veins
     was the tint of flushed skin encircled with long yellow hair.

He begged for the golden chests & ornate jewelry sworn,
     For the monster's treasure would not prevent a lifetime of despair.
A breaking rib under his heel caused the beast to rouse,
     and as the woman's eyes did flutter, she spared a few soft words:

"Please, do not steal me."

He fled from the mountain pass, carried by rushed winds;
     running for the sake of his life as if the beast had awoken.
Through heavy breaths and trembling hands
     he considered the dragon's choice.;

to find a woman with hair of such an illuminating hue;
     to stare into the eyes of endless certainty;
to plunge into darkness and never feel alone.

     He knew the monster for the wiser

… and no richer a man or beast could be.
:iconofonesoul:
:new: UPDATE:
:squee: Made it through round two of the tournament!




:nuu:

My third entry into the poetry tournament...



This is my entry for the second round of #poetry-book's Scratch That Poetry Tournament. As the rules stated, the participants could write about anything... except overly depressing subject matter. :giggle:

The theme for this round was formatting. In our poetry, we had to use formatting several times to create some sort of effect. In conjecture, the piece had to be written as a ballad as well.

In the end, I decided to twist the tale of the greedy dragon, Fafnir. As quoted by Wikipedia:

In the Icelandic Volsunga Saga (late 13th century), Fáfnir was a dwarf gifted with a powerful arm and fearless soul. He guarded his father's house of glittering gold and flashing gems. He was the strongest and most aggressive of the three brothers.

Fáfnir killed his brothers to get all the gold for himself. He became very ill-natured and greedy, so he went out into the wilderness to keep his fortune, eventually turning into a serpent or dragon (symbol of greed) to guard his treasure. Fáfnir also breathed poison into the land around him so no one would go near him and his treasure, wreaking terror in the hearts of the people.


Please let me know what you think. I'd love some feedback on this. :tighthug:

:heart: *OfOneSoul

, , &

Critique Questions:

:bulletred: How much like a ballad is this, really? ^^;
:bulletred: Where did the flow go wrong?
:bulletred: Do you like the story in general?
:bulletred: Should I have tried to rhyme this?
Add a Comment:
 
:iconmhwoodscourt:
I applaud your vision and your skill with words. This is unique and dynamic, and the visual formatting tricks work well to convey both. You use evocative imagery for the dragon and scenery; I loved immersing myself in the tone of your piece.

One thing which might enhance the picture you're forming is using a couple of senses I don't see here. "Smell" and "Taste." I can see everything, hear the crunch of bone, feel the peril of the moment, but I can't taste sulfur or smell the wind's gale.

The structure changes toward the end, after "Please do not steal me." The flow alters, throwing me a little. It isn't terrible, but different. If you're going for an intentional pace-change from 'Bravely entering the dragon's domain' to 'running for the hills,' it works. But note that your lines shorten considerably thereafter. It isn't a big error, just something to bear in mind.

I love the above-mentioned line and those surrounding it. What it implies is stunning and dramatic and perfect. Your verses are eloquent, your style masterly. The last line is well played. Well done.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconrhetoricism:
Ah, it has been a long time since I have had the pleasure of reading a ballad. Modern media seems peculiarly desaturated in this particular area, no?

Your Ballad-osity
How much like a ballad is this really? Well, quite so, as it happens. It fits the format of an epic-in-scope free-verse poem of sufficient length and a relatively even pace (with varied tonage) that allows it to be recited aloud in a tuned voice, or sung if need be. The language used is also pretty balad-esque (and I am terrible at being definite).

Your Flow
To get a feel of how it flowed, I read this aloud to my dog. She didn't seem overly impressed, but she is a dog and knows nothing of ballads. It did allow me to ascertain that, given a few exceptions, this ballad flows verbally quite well, with an even meter and wonderful inflections (the text accents are gloriously done, by the way).
The exceptions:

of who would brave the mountain and the monster who guarded the gate was too long and unwieldy for the regular meter. Instead, I recited the last half in a slower tone, (the monster -pause- who guarded -pause- the gate -pause and resume meter-).

poor he should be no more reads better as poor should/would he be no more.

his dirty hands reads better as just dirty hands

and thick wings of red veins seems like a truncated line. The whole line is a bit clunky, and it cuts short when reciting. I'm not sure how to fix it, though.

Aside from that, the flow is wonderful, the narrative flow is even and leads you on, and the imagery is consistently solid.

Your Story
Did I like the story in general? Yes. As a twist on the traditional formula of dragon+horde+damsel+knight=adventure, it works well, bringing something new to the genre plate of dragon ballads. Having a fallible hero works in your favour as well.

Your Rhyme
I'm not generally in favour of twisting a good story just so that the ends of lines arbitrarily sound similar. It reads quite well as it is.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconshehrozeameen:
*shehrozeameen Dec 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
*OfOneSoul this work reminded me a lot of Skyrim's "Dragonblood" main theme... its epic beyond words...

The use of formatting was well done. I liked it. A lot. It actually compels one to read it aloud like an orator from the medieval times... And in essence, its giving me ideas to write my own medieval fantasy syle poem of sorts...
Reply
:iconofonesoul:
`OfOneSoul Dec 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for the lovely comment, darling! :huggle: I haven't played Skyrim yet :shakefist: But I have played Oblivion and Morrowind, and it is nice to be compared to the game series at all. :blush:

If you do create a medieval fantasy poem, be sure to let me know! I would love to read it. :iconlaplz:
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
*shehrozeameen Dec 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You... haven't... played... Skyrim...?

As the high deacon of the altar of fantasy lore, holding in my hands the beacon of light, I COMMAND THEE to listen to the main theme of Skyrim. It is now your PURPOSE to avail upon this order, or bear the brunt of thine living with disdain, for having ignored the power of the Dragonborn and his worthy praise. All hail, the dragon born, who shalt lead us to the light... Amen...

Long story cut short, listen to that theme... believe me you won't be disappointed.

And yes, I'll let you know :)
Reply
:iconofonesoul:
`OfOneSoul Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I KNOW I SHOULD PLAY IT! But my life has become DeviantArt :shakefist: Once I take a break from it, I'll probably make Skyrim my life. :giggle:

... And yes, all hail, the dragonborn! :worship:
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
*shehrozeameen Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Ah, that'd be awesome lol and sad because I won't be able to talk to you. :( but in any case, good enough.

Indeed!!! And now, the anthem for the dragonborn!!!! ORCHESTRA, REJOICE!!!

*Orchestra rejoicing* *Echoing sounds resonating*

Dragonborn, Dragonborn, by his honor is sworn,

To keep evil forever at bay!

And the fiercest foes rout when they hear triumph's shout,

Dragonborn, for your blessing we pray!


Hearken now, sons of snow, to an age, long ago

And the tale, boldly told, of the one!

Who was kin to both wyrm, and the races of man,

With a power to rival the sun!


And the voice, he did wield, on that glorious field,

When great Tamriel shuddered with war!

Mighty Thu'um, like a blade, cut through enemies all,

As the Dragonborn issued his roar!


Dragonborn, Dragonborn, by his honor is sworn,

To keep evil forever at bay!

And the fiercest foes rout when they hear triumph's shout,

Dragonborn, for your blessing we pray!


And the Scrolls have foretold, of black wings in the cold,

That when brothers wage war come unfurled!

Alduin, Bane of Kings, ancient shadow unbound,

With a hunger to swallow the world!


But a day shall arise, when the dark dragon's lies,

Will be silenced forever and then!

Fair Skyrim will be free from foul Alduin's maw,

Dragonborn be the savior of men!


Dragonborn, Dragonborn, by his honor is sworn,

To keep evil forever at bay!

And the fiercest foes rout when they hear triumph's shout,

Dragonborn, for your blessing we pray!
Reply
:iconofonesoul:
`OfOneSoul Dec 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
So... I totally want to play now, if that was your intent.... and if you just made that up - you are oober badass! :nuu: But if you quoted it... yeah, I want to play Skyrim really bad. :iconlaplz:
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
*shehrozeameen Dec 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:) The latter... and yes, that was my intent...
Reply
:iconnightshade-keyblade:
*nightshade-keyblade Dec 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I was a little confused at first why you crossed out a line in your poem. But I love a good poem based on mythology.
Reply
:iconofonesoul:
`OfOneSoul Dec 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for your comment, darling! :huggle:

I've read comments about the crossed out line several times - so, I've decided to get rid of it. :stab: Thank you for your feedback, love! :smooch:
Reply
:iconnightshade-keyblade:
*nightshade-keyblade Dec 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It's my pleasure :hug: :heart:

Oh, all right. And you're welcome, really! :blushes:
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