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November 16, 2012
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She met him when the world was new;
when wars were fought in the cosmos
and celestial beings deigned expose
and visit themselves upon the mortals.

In darkness he came to her;
somewhere between fantasy and the real,
disguised as a human, burly and firm
with want of a lover and yearning for release.

She knew him as a man
and he loved her as his wife.


A Titan he had always been
at battle with Olympians
who garnered all of humanity's love
and chose war over peace to keep it.

As lightning struck, thunder roared,
and waves destroyed the earth,
all grew quiet as Olympus rejoiced
and she knew that he had lost.

Zeus then rest upon his shoulders
the weight of the world eternal.
A punishment made more severe
by lack of warmth from her mortal heart.

He carried his punishment made unending
as Earth's coarsened face gouged his back.
The insects and beasts stung and mauled
and the humans warred and burned his flesh.

Still he held the world atop his shoulders
and severed it from the skies' primordial embrace.

Disheartened by his suffering,
she wept for forty nights.
Her tears filled the rifts in the earth
and water rained upon its surface.
A breath of life overcame the deserts
and forests grew green

and his burden softened.

She wept until the grasslands grew
and rivers ran where her tears had poured.
The more she nurtured the Earth,
the more she eased his burden.

As she cleansed the sweat from Atlas' brow
Mother Earth was borne unto the world.
:new: UPDATE:
:squee: Made it through round one of the tournament!




:salute:

My second entry into the poetry tournament...



This is my entry for the first round of #poetry-book's Scratch That Poetry Tournament. As the rules stated, the participants could write about anything to do with Romance... except overly depressing subject matter. :giggle:

This piece was greatly inspired by the mythological figures, Atlas & Mother Earth. :love:

In the tournament we were given a pretty loose theme to base our pieces on: Romance. For some reason, I have no idea why, that translated into a love story between the man that supports Earth and the woman who nurtures it. After researching into the birth of Atlas and how he was punished during the wars to hold up the skies (and in some mythologies, the Earth) - I was inspired.

Please let me know what you think. I'd love some feedback on this. :tighthug:

:heart: *OfOneSoul

, , &
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:iconmattchewbackaar:
I'm not so good with poems, critique-wise. But if 2 years of solid poems taught me something, it's that wording means everything and everything can be deciphered to a deeper meaning. Unfortunately I can not do my list of things to do, for the fact that words mean anything in poems, which really defeats most of my areas. Alas I will try my best

I'd like to start with my views. Comparing to the poems I read from professional writers, this is a level of work that I would've seen in my Anthology. I love it, however this is my opinion, others may sway away from this and that's their loss unfortunately.

To the piece of text in front of me =) first few lines they speak for themselves. We get imagery, we get history, we get characters, however vague, we get a background.

In darkness he came to her. This, in a metaphorical reference, means that he came out of nowhere, she was blind of his approach, she was ignorant of his existence until he came. With want of a lover and yearning for release. Correct me if I am wrong, but is this depicted for sexual desires? A release is a burst of love that needs to get out quickly. People would have different views here, which is fantastic because people can change their view of the poem. You have manipulated and twisted the wording to your advantage.

I carried on down and noted a lot of sentences that were worth the mention, but I don't want to spam this page with my critique. I aimed for the more impacting area, which was:

-----------------------------
Disheartened by his suffering,
she wept for forty nights.
Her tears filled the rifts in the earth
and water rained upon its surface.
A breath of life overcame the deserts
and forests grew green
-----------------------------

This is beautiful. Not morbidly, since it has areas of negativity, but it's the way worded it and how you portray her feelings. You've shown her power through a minimal amount of words.

The only thing I have a problem with is this sentence here:
What you put: somewhere between fantasy and the real
What I would put somewhere between fantasy and reality

The suffix on fantasy and reality (The suffix being a 'y'), they compliment each other. Read them out loud to yourself; what you put and what I put and then see which one is better. This is a Personal Preference however, so you may choose to deny the change or not.

I have given you 5 stars on all except the originality, purely for the fact that poems that are mythical based and are based on mythology, I've seen before and other poets have done. Do not be disheartened, I always give 4 on critiques because of the creativity and wording some of the authors put in there.

All-in-all, well done indeed!

Matt
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:iconforestmeetwildfire:
forestmeetwildfire Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Your fantastic work has been featured here!
I'd really appreciate it if you could give some love to the other features and :+fav: the journal! :heart:
Reply
:iconl0ne-w0lf:
L0NE-W0lf Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2013
I love how seamless the mythological figures were intertwined. Great work!
Reply
:iconofonesoul:
OfOneSoul Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for such a lovely comment! :iconrubcheeksplz:
Reply
:iconl0ne-w0lf:
L0NE-W0lf Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2013
My pleasure! :iconsweethugplz:
Reply
:iconallison731:
allison731 Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Congrats, you got HEART badge for this creation in :iconwhispermewish: group.
This is badge for creations which are so adorable that in every heart have place for them. :heart:
You can find your art in Badge-HEART folder in our group.
This is your 1st :iconwuvplz: badge. Collect 10 of this kind and your avatar will be in Heart-Badges folder forever. :sun:
Reply
:iconofonesoul:
OfOneSoul Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Yay! Thank you so much for letting me know! :tighthug:
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:iconallison731:
allison731 Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:sun: Great poem.
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:iconofonesoul:
OfOneSoul Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you, darling! :tighthug:
Reply
:iconilene-of-astolat:
Ilene-of-Astolat Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012
This piece literally brought tears to my eyes.
It was beautifully written and made me look at the mythology entirely differently. I thought that it was so well-written and just...
It's a piece that buries itself into your soul. Like a sparrow, it creates a small nest out of your heart-strings.
It's just lovely and I thank you for sharing. :heart: :rose: It is beautiful.
Reply
:iconofonesoul:
OfOneSoul Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for such a wonderful comment, sweetheart! I'm so glad you found it so beautiful. :love: Because the theme was romance, I wanted to bring a real power to it. Usually I deal with tragedy - and although the story is rather tragic, I think it ends on a happy note overall. :happybounce:

Thanks again, darling! :tighthug:
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