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December 24, 2012
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Lover to lover,
but I am your prisoner;
chained up in the dark.
:new: UPDATE:
:squee: Made it through round three of the tournament!




:iconeagerpee:

My fourth entry into the poetry tournament...



This is my entry for the third round of #poetry-book's Scratch That Poetry Tournament. As the rules stated, the participants could write about bondage... without including overly depressing subject matter. :giggle:

The theme for this round was bondage. It was meant to be a fun, easy one... and it was for someone like me. :evillaugh: In conjecture, the piece had to be written as a haiku as well.

By saying lover to lover I mean to say... I need to be punished - by saying but I am your prisoner I mean to say... I am yours to command.

And by saying chained up in the dark... well. I'm not the dominatrix here - am I? :horny:

Please let me know what you think. I'd love some feedback on this. :tighthug:

:heart: `OfOneSoul

, , &
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:iconthewantedwolf:
Critique by TheWantedWolf Dec 25, 2012, 8:01:14 PM
Short but true I agree completely, this is quite relatable fairly short and simple, not cluttering someone's mind, which is nice :D. Even though it is so simple it lets the reader think about it, well makes us take time to ponder the many thoughts it creates anyways. The Italics do help also the bold, they are made to deliver emphasis and you used it wisely. I say keep up the excellent poetry even if its short and sweet, maybr still stick with this style or go into something deeper your choice, I would love to see either
Good luck
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The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconmagicaljoey:
Heya

Read through your artist's comments, and I must say that I don't get the 'lover to lover' meaning 'I need to be punished' part. Maybe it's because they're both italicised? What if you made one normal and one italic-bold for more emphasis, kinda like lover to "LOVER" (emphasis on the second, spoken with the 'invisible speech marks). At the moment it just sounds like an ordinary thing to say, until one gets to line two that is.

I don't get the ellipses at the end of line two. This doesn't seem to be the correct place for that kind of pause. I would personally use a semi-colon, but that's just me.

I know you're on a budget with syllables, being a Haiku, but there some words I would actually leave out (mainly 'but' in line two and 'up' in line three) because they seem superfluous and only there to make up the syllable count.

Now that all the 'horrid' is out of the way, I do want to say that you have succeeded in writing about the theme without it being overly depressing, so you reached your goal. It also follows the theme nicely, although perhaps a little too literally?

Hope this helps,
J
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3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconsilverwynd:
SilverWynd Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Your work has been featured here: [link]
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:iconofonesoul:
OfOneSoul Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for letting me know, darling! :iconrubcheeksplz:
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:iconastrikos:
Astrikos Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013   General Artist
Very powerful.
I love how short this poem is, and how much impact it has.

The use of italics and bold really add something.

Seems so sad! It really is beautiful though.
:clap:
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:iconofonesoul:
OfOneSoul Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much, darling! I truly appreciate the feedback. :iconiloveyouplz:
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:iconastrikos:
Astrikos Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013   General Artist
My pleasure! :tighthug:
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:iconymntle-aleoni:
Ymntle-Aleoni Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Professional Photographer
So short, yet so powerful. I love it!
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:iconofonesoul:
OfOneSoul Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much, darling! You are too kind. :iconrubcheeksplz:
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:icondarkest-jade:
Darkest-Jade Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I like it, and I love that it describes so many relationships today, mine is an example for one :P
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:icondarkest-jade:
Darkest-Jade Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
My pleasure :blush:
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:iconofonesoul:
OfOneSoul Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for such a lovely comment, sweetie! :huggle:
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