ShopDreamUp AI ArtDreamUp
Deviation Actions
Literature Text
Swans and wings are floating by
on a breeze imbued with jasmine and
willows outstretching their arms in welcome.
Through deep breaths he arrives
plunged in murky, pungent water.
A quiet whisper, and he prays -
"Please... may I linger here?"
Willows lower their arms
and jasmine falls to the Earth
where the wind dies and finally rests.
The crows are cawing hymns,
begging to be swans.
But only the duck submerged in Swan Lake
has delved the desired shore.
Its waters dangerous and plagued
by monsters baring their teeth;
most ghastly and putrid they are
that no crow may ripple its surface
nor any songbird seeking beauty fair.
The Swan Maidens bare their chests
and open their wings in veneration -
for the duck has sought beauty through courage
and earned his guise of grace and virtue.
on a breeze imbued with jasmine and
willows outstretching their arms in welcome.
Through deep breaths he arrives
plunged in murky, pungent water.
A quiet whisper, and he prays -
"Please... may I linger here?"
Willows lower their arms
and jasmine falls to the Earth
where the wind dies and finally rests.
The crows are cawing hymns,
begging to be swans.
But only the duck submerged in Swan Lake
has delved the desired shore.
Its waters dangerous and plagued
by monsters baring their teeth;
most ghastly and putrid they are
that no crow may ripple its surface
nor any songbird seeking beauty fair.
The Swan Maidens bare their chests
and open their wings in veneration -
for the duck has sought beauty through courage
and earned his guise of grace and virtue.
Literature
for unseeing eyes
laden with sky
we stumbled
and painted mockingbirds
on loveless branches
folding in our slender limbs
and ducking under our own
voices, fidgety and frail
against the wall of night.
between the dipping blades
and drawn shoulders
we learned to craft our words
steady-soft,
a drumming rain
that carved canyons
in open hearts and
drew the sunshine to
our supping lips.
keen-eyed, we watched
remembering the weight
of unseeing eyes
and scalding remarks
and we learned to slip
the noose-knots and slide
through the soul-cracks
and somehow
build kingdoms under
upturned noses.
with lyrical uncertainty
and tender determinat
Literature
Tears In Heaven
Mommy looks just like an angel. She said she would be one soon and tells me not to be sad because she'll be looking over me where God is.
"I won't be able to teach you the things my mommy taught me, and the things her momma taught her," her dry hands felt soft on my cheek, "but maybe some day you'll have a new Mommy. Someone who can make your daddy smile again." She gazed at him from her hospital bed. He wanted to speak but choked back tears instead.
"But can't I make Daddy smile?"
It's been a year and a half, my memory of her is like air. I don't know if it's real or what I think I remember when I read the letters she left behind. He woul
Literature
Witch Oil
There's magma boiling in her frostbitten veins;
incandescent pixie dust and
soot-stained stars,
sluggishly making its way through
a childish heart — wishing for one last chance
to spread her wings and soar to
Neverland.
Suggested Collections
Featured in Groups
MY FIRST DAILY DEVIATION!
I couldn't believe when I logged on this morning that I received a DD.
When I wrote this poem, I thought to myself,
"Wow, you should really stick to prose."
I'm glad that someone doesn't think so.
Special thanks to BeccaJS for featuring me, and thank you for either ing, commenting, or reading!
This is my audition for poetry-book's Scratch That Poetry Tournament. As the rules stated, the participants could write about anything... exceptoverly depressing subject matter.
This piece was greatly inspired by the ballet, Swan Lake. I have just recently refallen in love with it while doing research for my NaNoWriMo '12 project, Drowning Sirens.
I wanted to tell a story that may have seemed sad at first but in the end had a childlike sense of retribution that not only teaches all of us a lesson but gives everyone that isn't necessarily a swan, hope.
Please let me know what you think. I'd love some feedback on this.
OfOneSoul
Thank you TheGalleryOfEve for the beautiful art inspired by this piece!
I couldn't believe when I logged on this morning that I received a DD.
When I wrote this poem, I thought to myself,
"Wow, you should really stick to prose."
I'm glad that someone doesn't think so.
Special thanks to BeccaJS for featuring me, and thank you for either ing, commenting, or reading!
My first poem in ages!
This is my audition for poetry-book's Scratch That Poetry Tournament. As the rules stated, the participants could write about anything... except
This piece was greatly inspired by the ballet, Swan Lake. I have just recently refallen in love with it while doing research for my NaNoWriMo '12 project, Drowning Sirens.
I wanted to tell a story that may have seemed sad at first but in the end had a childlike sense of retribution that not only teaches all of us a lesson but gives everyone that isn't necessarily a swan, hope.
Please let me know what you think. I'd love some feedback on this.
OfOneSoul
Thank you TheGalleryOfEve for the beautiful art inspired by this piece!
© 2012 - 2024 OfOneSoul
Comments101
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
Overall
Vision
Originality
Technique
Impact
Hi, I'm critiquing on behalf of <img class="avatar" src="a.deviantart.net/avatars/w/r/w…" alt="" title="Writers--club" />. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/w/w…" width="25" height="20" alt="" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="437" title="Hi!"/>
First of all, congratulations on the DD! You definitely deserved it.
In the interest of keeping myself from gushing, I'll get to your questions:
I think the imagery here is quite well done. It's at its most vivid in the first stanza, but stays pretty consistent throughout the rest of the poem. Some highlights for me in terms of imagery were: the first and third stanzas, and this set of lines: "The Swan Maidens bare their chests/and open their wings in veneration." Very compelling.
I think the pacing is well done here, and I don't think there's anything I would change. The same goes for the story; I think this interpretation of the Ugly Duckling is one of the most creative that I've seen.
As for rhyming, I think this is a piece best left as free verse. Both because I think this is great as it is, and also because rhyme can be constricting, and could very well take away from the impact of the piece.
Overall, this is a great piece, and I look forward to reading more of your work.