literature

Submerged in Swan Lake

Deviation Actions

Daily Deviation

Daily Deviation

November 11, 2012
Submerged in Swan Lake by *OfOneSoul
Featured by BeccaJS
OfOneSoul's avatar
By
Published:
7.5K Views

Literature Text

Swans and wings are floating by
on a breeze imbued with jasmine and
willows outstretching their arms in welcome.

Through deep breaths he arrives
plunged in murky, pungent water.
A quiet whisper, and he prays -

"Please... may I linger here?"

Willows lower their arms
and jasmine falls to the Earth
where the wind dies and finally rests.  

The crows are cawing hymns,
begging to be swans.
But only the duck submerged in Swan Lake
has delved the desired shore.

Its waters dangerous and plagued
by monsters baring their teeth;
most ghastly and putrid they are
that no crow may ripple its surface
nor any songbird seeking beauty fair.

The Swan Maidens bare their chests
and open their wings in veneration -
for the duck has sought beauty through courage
and earned his guise of grace and virtue.
:new: MY FIRST DAILY DEVIATION!

:faint: I couldn't believe when I logged on this morning that I received a DD. :squee:

When I wrote this poem, I thought to myself,
"Wow, you should really stick to prose."
I'm glad that someone doesn't think so. :blush:

Special thanks to BeccaJS for featuring me, and thank you for either :+fav:ing, commenting, or reading! :tighthug:

Honored 2 Have Gotten DD Stamp by Mirz123



:happybounce:

My first poem in ages!



This is my audition for poetry-book's Scratch That Poetry Tournament. As the rules stated, the participants could write about anything... except overly depressing subject matter. :giggle:

This piece was greatly inspired by the ballet, Swan Lake. I have just recently refallen in love with it while doing research for my NaNoWriMo '12 project, Drowning Sirens.

I wanted to tell a story that may have seemed sad at first but in the end had a childlike sense of retribution that not only teaches all of us a lesson but gives everyone that isn't necessarily a swan, hope.

Please let me know what you think. I'd love some feedback on this. :tighthug:

:heart: OfOneSoul

Thank you TheGalleryOfEve for the beautiful art inspired by this piece! :heart:

Good moments together by TheGalleryOfEve
© 2012 - 2024 OfOneSoul
Comments101
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
HuntingForHappiness's avatar
:star::star::star::star: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Impact

Hi, I'm critiquing on behalf of <img class="avatar" src="a.deviantart.net/avatars/w/r/w…" alt=":iconwriters--club:" title="Writers--club" />. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/w/w…" width="25" height="20" alt=":wave:" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="437" title="Hi!"/>

First of all, congratulations on the DD! You definitely deserved it.

In the interest of keeping myself from gushing, I'll get to your questions:

I think the imagery here is quite well done. It's at its most vivid in the first stanza, but stays pretty consistent throughout the rest of the poem. Some highlights for me in terms of imagery were: the first and third stanzas, and this set of lines: "The Swan Maidens bare their chests/and open their wings in veneration." Very compelling.

I think the pacing is well done here, and I don't think there's anything I would change. The same goes for the story; I think this interpretation of the Ugly Duckling is one of the most creative that I've seen.

As for rhyming, I think this is a piece best left as free verse. Both because I think this is great as it is, and also because rhyme can be constricting, and could very well take away from the impact of the piece.

Overall, this is a great piece, and I look forward to reading more of your work.