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Unread by CarmenVeloso

Words by cinnarolls


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Submitted on
November 2, 2012
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Swans and wings are floating by
on a breeze imbued with jasmine and
willows outstretching their arms in welcome.

Through deep breaths he arrives
plunged in murky, pungent water.
A quiet whisper, and he prays -

"Please... may I linger here?"

Willows lower their arms
and jasmine falls to the Earth
where the wind dies and finally rests.  

The crows are cawing hymns,
begging to be swans.
But only the duck submerged in Swan Lake
has delved the desired shore.

Its waters dangerous and plagued
by monsters baring their teeth;
most ghastly and putrid they are
that no crow may ripple its surface
nor any songbird seeking beauty fair.

The Swan Maidens bare their chests
and open their wings in veneration -
for the duck has sought beauty through courage
and earned his guise of grace and virtue.
:new: MY FIRST DAILY DEVIATION!

:faint: I couldn't believe when I logged on this morning that I received a DD. :squee:

When I wrote this poem, I thought to myself,
"Wow, you should really stick to prose."
I'm glad that someone doesn't think so. :blush:

Special thanks to ^Beccalicious for featuring me, and thank you for either :+fav:ing, commenting, or reading! :tighthug:






I MADE IT THROUGH AUDITIONS!

:nuu: I'm one of 50 writers chosen to participate in the Scratch That Poetry Tournament. I am so fucking excited. :la:




:happybounce:

My first poem in ages!



This is my audition for #poetry-book's Scratch That Poetry Tournament. As the rules stated, the participants could write about anything... except overly depressing subject matter. :giggle:

This piece was greatly inspired by the ballet, Swan Lake. I have just recently refallen in love with it while doing research for my NaNoWriMo '12 project, Drowning Sirens.

I wanted to tell a story that may have seemed sad at first but in the end had a childlike sense of retribution that not only teaches all of us a lesson but gives everyone that isn't necessarily a swan, hope.

Please let me know what you think. I'd love some feedback on this. :tighthug:

:heart: `OfOneSoul

, , &

Credit for the preview image goes to =TheGalleryOfEve. Please :+fav: the original preview image at their deviation, Good moments together

Critique Questions:

:bulletred: How do you feel about my imagery? :eyes:
:bulletred: Did the pacing go wrong at any point?
:bulletred: Do you like the story in general?
:bulletred: Should I have tried to rhyme this?
Add a Comment:
 

Daily Deviation

Given 2012-11-11
:icontwilightpoetess:
I have always had a secret love affair with ballet, though I haven't had the chance to watch much of it.

In regards to this piece: I think this stanza, in particular, spoke to me the most--

The crows are cawing hymns,
begging to be swans.
But only the duck submerged in Swan Lake
has delved the desired shore.


I find it interesting that it can be interpreted in so many ways, while still maintaining an overall sense of reality--because really, I think we're all striving to be something--someone--we aren't. But if we were to get that? The chance to be something different? I don't think we'd be any less miserable...but that stanza carries hope, regardless. The sense that maybe, just maybe, it's possible to be comfortable in our own skins.

I also like that you carry the image of the duck through the whole piece, and I feel like that last stanza really brings a sense of closure--of adventure awaiting--to your readers. Yeah, the duck is still a duck is still a duck...but he's got this air about him at the end of this, as if he doesn't care what the rest of the world thinks, so long as he's comfortable with himself. It's a feeling I think we should all strive to achieve in our lives.

I also really like the scenery you put in this; I could almost feel the sea breeze whispering across my face, my hair blustering across my face as the water laps at the shore...it's subtle, yes, but it's there in the rhythm of the words, the way they roll off the tongue--and across the mind--so fluidly. It's a rather neat thing to experience, the atmosphere of a piece being more metaphysical or ghostly than real. I think you accomplished something wonderful here overall. Beautiful work!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
5 out of 5 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconthewitchofgrich:
What a beautiful poem!

I love the way several ''moods'' are intertwined into the stanzas and not just that, but different movements as well. As I began reading this lovely poem, it sounded like a typical Romanticist work of art. However, as I read on, I realised there was more to it - much more to it.

I love how you added the element of the swans into your poem. It not only speaks of a metaphor, but somehow connects this to the ancient beliefs of purity and grace. Symbols of crows and swans can definitely be found in lots of mythologies and old stories. Well done! This aspect added to the originality of the poem.

In general, the motives are well chosen, the emotions are present, the vocabulary used is very descriptive and the the poem visually stands out. I loved the unusual form it had. Just as I thought it would be kept in tercets, in a sudden, the harmony was broken - and mind you, it was really brilliantly done!

"Please... may I linger here?" is a verse line which changes everything. There is definitely more meaning to this than we might think in the beginning. The little duck, referred to as ''he'' so that we wonder ''who?'' as we are reading for the first time. It forces us to pay close attention to the words in order to understand the poem. Really, brilliant!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconshep4life:
shep4life Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Well this is lovely!
Reply
:iconthegalleryofeve:
TheGalleryOfEve Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
This is SO BEAUTIFUL Kimberly!!! :love: :faint:

:stare: I didn't know you wrote so well! :bucktooth:

:confused:
Reply
:iconofonesoul:
OfOneSoul Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:lmao:

My writing abilities confuse you. :eyes:
Reply
:iconthegalleryofeve:
TheGalleryOfEve Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
:facepalm: I'm SSSSSSSSSO lazy to read!!! :tears: ... My brain is going to desiccate if I don't read at least a little! :facepalm: ... I'm ashamed of myself for that! :stare:

I "resumed my DA activity" with a lot of energy in November, so I started reading a few things here and there (usually short things, for lack of time mostly :ashamed:) ... and adding things to my faves, but then (because I also "discover" what "watching" was :bucktooth:) I got a TON of artwork and writings in my inbox! :wow: ... So I sacrificed the writers, but it's not nice, because so many people put their hearts in what they write! :lonely: I'm mean ...

Your writing abilities Delight me!!! :iconstaredanceplz:
Reply
:iconofonesoul:
OfOneSoul Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Don't sacrifice me! :tears:

... I'm so delightful. :eyes:
Reply
:iconthegalleryofeve:
TheGalleryOfEve Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
No, no :pat: I won't EVER sacrifice you again! :stare: ... EVER! :stare:

I'll find the time and I'll start reading all your short work from now on! :nod: :pat: You'll see! :pat:
Reply
:iconofonesoul:
OfOneSoul Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
... are we... committed to each other? Like - in a artistic relationship? :flirty: I though you'd never ask! :iconhumpingplz:
Reply
:iconthegalleryofeve:
TheGalleryOfEve Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
:iconteheplz: Ohh you! ... I thought that the "watch" was a clear indication of our mutual commitment ... :popcorn:

I'm solemn today:facepalm:

:giggle:
Reply
:iconofonesoul:
OfOneSoul Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I love it when you're solemn. :drool:
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2013
Hey there I featured this piece here and just thought I'd let you know.

Thanks!
Reply
:iconofonesoul:
OfOneSoul Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:iconteheplz:
Reply
:iconetsuko-hime:
Etsuko-Hime Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
This is lovely! :D i dont know mutch about poems, but it is beutiful :)
Reply
:iconofonesoul:
OfOneSoul Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you, darling! You are too kind. :iconrubcheeksplz:
Reply
:iconetsuko-hime:
Etsuko-Hime Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Np :3 :hug:
Reply
:iconsexiveggi:
sexiveggi Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013
I can see why its been a daily deviation,very nice work :)
Keep on writing!
Reply
:iconofonesoul:
OfOneSoul Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:iconiloveyouplz: You are such a sweetheart! :huggle:
Reply
:iconsexiveggi:
sexiveggi Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2013
Aww thank u :)
Reply
:iconofonesoul:
OfOneSoul Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Wow, my dear! That is such a lovely comment. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my work. :iconrubcheeksplz:
Reply
:iconofonesoul:
OfOneSoul Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much, darling! You are too kind. :iconrubcheeksplz:
Reply
:iconsandrahultsved:
SandraHultsved Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012  Professional Traditional Artist
Very beautifully written!
Reply
:iconofonesoul:
OfOneSoul Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much, darling! :tighthug:
Reply
:iconsandrahultsved:
SandraHultsved Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2012  Professional Traditional Artist
You're so welcome!
Reply
:iconshadow-fox168:
Shadow-Fox168 Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012
I enjoyed reading this... the lines are so... stunning. Oh and congrats on the DD!
Reply
:iconofonesoul:
OfOneSoul Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much, darling! :love: You are very kind to say so. :tighthug:
Reply
:iconofonesoul:
OfOneSoul Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for such a lovely comment! I truly appreciate your compliments, you are very kind. :tighthug:
Reply
:iconravenclaw1401:
Ravenclaw1401 Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
Your welcome! And thank you!:iconblush-plz: You are very nice too! :D
Reply
:iconravenclaw1401:
Ravenclaw1401 Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
Oh! And congratulations on the DD! :clap: This really deserved one. :D
Reply
:iconthewitchofgrich:
theWitchofGrich Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012
so beautiful :D :D
Reply
:iconofonesoul:
OfOneSoul Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you, darling! :tighthug:
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2012  Professional Writer
Lovely. :heart: Congrats on your DD!
Reply
:iconofonesoul:
OfOneSoul Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks so much, sweetheart! :tighthug:
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012  Professional Writer
You're welcome! :hug:
Reply
:iconofonesoul:
OfOneSoul Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for the comment and I'll get on that. ;)
Reply
:iconilleatyourself:
IllEatYourself Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
You are welcome and thanks for doing so!
Reply
:iconofonesoul:
OfOneSoul Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for such a lovely comment! :tighthug: And I would be honored, as long as I am credited, I see no problem. :love: Thanks again, sweetheart! :heart:
Reply
:iconeusphere:
eusphere Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2012
wow!
Reply
:iconofonesoul:
OfOneSoul Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:blush: Thanks for reading! :love:
Reply
:iconnightshade-keyblade:
nightshade-keyblade Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I detect a hint of "The Ugly Duckling" as a source of inspiration. Right?
Reply
:iconofonesoul:
OfOneSoul Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:giggle: It wasn't initially - my main purpose was to create something centered around the ballet, Swan Lake. Now that I've been informed of this view, however; I enjoy the idea. :love:

Thanks for taking the time to read! :tighthug:
Reply
:iconnightshade-keyblade:
nightshade-keyblade Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome! It was a pleasure to read :huggle: :heart:
Reply
:iconinklingsofoblivion:
InklingsOfOblivion Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Simply amazing.
Reply
:iconofonesoul:
OfOneSoul Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you, sweetie! :blush:
Reply
:iconinklingsofoblivion:
InklingsOfOblivion Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:aww: you're most welcome!!
Reply
:iconvorduul:
Vorduul Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2012  Student Writer
Line 2: Infested is not the word you want.

Line 5: Plunging? Not sure what tense you are going for.

Line 10: The wind dies *and* rests? Seems redundant.

Line 14: Delved is not the word you want. I'm not even sure if you *can* delve a shore.

Lines 15-16: Sentence fragment. I realize that this is a poem, but the punctuation ought to make sense.

Line 16: Baring, not bearing.

Lines 17-19: I have no idea what this means. It's not a sentence, first of all, and it's not even clear how lines 18-19 relate to line 17. Putting a *that* implies a relationship between the clauses.

Line 23: Guise is not the word you want. It says that the grace and virtue are only a mask, and that they conceal the true nature of the duck. You don't really 'earn' a guise, anyway.
Reply
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