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Prose by 91816119

Prose DLR Features by doodlerTM

Literature by Quolia

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Submitted on
October 22, 2012
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"You girls need a ride?"

October looked up, letting her eyes stray from the gravel beneath her feet. She had been walking along the highway for so long she had started counting her steps to pass the time, hoping that when she finally looked up she would see civilization. Abigail ran to the truck driver's passenger door, haphazardly pushing past October as if she had never ridden in a vehicle before.

October glared at the driver's soiled clothes, greasy hair, and crooked teeth. She imagined his smell which made her gag uncontrollably. It was as if his unkemptness was setting off red flags in her head: "Never talk to strangers. And never accept rides from hillbilly truck drivers in the middle of nowhere."

"Where are you headed?" Abigail questioned playfully. Even though she was a few years older than October, it seemed to make her more reckless than wise. Before the driver had the chance to wheeze whatever location in Kansas he was headed to, October yanked the sultry temptress to her side - and waved a pleasant dismissal.

She pushed the uncooperative Abigail along the road until the driver finally began moving again. He drove past the couple slowly as if hoping they would change their minds. However; October knew only too well what he was interested in. Without looking up, she heard a heavy scoff and imagined an irritated expression as the truck sped off along the empty road surrounded by grasslands.

Abigail sighed impatiently, like a child who didn't understand why they couldn't stick forks in the power outlet. Her boots kicked loose rocks aimlessly, as if she were begging for any small amount of attention. "Look," October began, refusing to play her little games, "We'll just keep walking until we reach a house, and then we'll call a tow truck. Someone has to live out here, there's corn everywhere."

Abigail smirked, as if she had just realized her friend was the biggest idiot in Kansas. "That guy could have had a cell phone that actually gets signal out here!" October shoved her lightly, trying to be gentle but stern. "Yeah, but at least this way we don't get raped and scarred for life just before I move into a coed dorm, okay?"

Abigail smiled and returned the shove, signifying that she understood. "Always at risk, but never the risk taker. Huh, October?" They grinned warmly at each other and locked arms as they'd done for years. The two continued their tread down the road, talking about the upcoming school year to pass the time. October considered all the courses she would take her freshman year and Abigail pondered all the parties she would crash and the hot frat boys she'd hook up with as a junior. When the giggling finally died down and they realized they'd walked an hour without seeing any barns or a bar of signal on their phones, something recognizable finally came into view.

The large black truck they had been invited to board earlier was parked along the side of the road. It was as if the girls' bad luck was contagious. Recognizing this moment from any b horror movie, October stopped in her tracks. Her eyes darted back and forth as if she half expected the driver to jump out from an obscure hiding place.

It seemed that the truck driver had reached the beginning of the only forest for miles and either broke down or was lying in wait for any number of ghastly reasons October was imagining. That's when Abigail sprinted for the truck.

October gasped and darted after her. However; she wasn't nearly as fast as Abigail, even in her tennis shoes. Before October could even cry out, Abigail had the driver's door open and was hopping inside. October ran to her side and grabbed her arm, attempting to pull her out of the driver's seat.

"Get out of there, Abby! Before he comes back." Abigail slammed her hands against the wheel. "Damn! He took his keys." As the girl ducked her head under the dashboard seemingly hunting for a spare set, October began desperately yanking her by the foot. "What the Hell are you thinking!?"

Abigail turned to face her, a mischievous smile playing along her lips. "You said you didn't want to hitch a ride with the guy? Okay, fine. Then let's ride without him." October was about to snap back when they both noticed the unusual sound of water splattering against the Earth. They both carefully looked around the corner of the truck where the driver stood in plain view.

He had unbuttoned his pants and was publicly urinating on the side of the road. He released a disturbing groan, feeling the relief of an empty bladder. As he refastened his pants, he turned slowly and stared directly at the feuding girls. A malicious smile creased the wrinkles of his face. His unnaturally tanned skin and sweaty brow accentuated the deviousness that October could only imagine lurked within. He began chuckling evilly and started walking towards the two.

Mutually overcome by panic, Abigail jumped from the truck and the two girls sprinted towards an opening in the oncoming forest. They ran aimlessly, dodging limbs and loose dirt in an attempt to put as much space between them and a possibly vengeful redneck. When they had both hopelessly ran out of breath, they stopped in a dark grove where any movement would have sent them into a panic attack.

The girls leaned on each other, still reeling from the adrenaline. Finally October caught Abigail's wandering eyes, and they both fought the urge to smile. Their hesitant laughter filled the woods as they shrugged off their previous fears. "Always the risk taker. Right, Abigail?" October coughed out a friendly chuckle.

"That's okay," Abigail began, "All I have to do is outrun you." They both started giggling frantically, allowing the relief to wash over them. Until they heard a branch crack under an overweight foot.

In the shadows October could barely make out the sinister silhouette of an approaching truck driver. She recognized his smell, however; and the sick way that he chuckled. He stepped out into the grove, his face lit by the falling sunshine. He was smiling.

October grabbed Abigail's arm and screamed, "Run!" Abigail's face was genuinely terrified as they sprinted further into the woods. Every once and a while they could hear the clumsy steps of the driver's heavy feet as he pursued them. October cried to Abigail who had taken the lead, "See if your phone has service, call the police!"

October watched Abigail search her pockets in vain. "Shit, I lost it! Even if I hadn't, what are the odds!? We have to do something October!" October's breath had finally run out. She collapsed against a tree as Abigail ran to her side. Abigail urged her to keep moving but when she realized their was no hope, she dragged October to a dune partially hidden in brambles.

Abigail raised her fingers to her lips, urging October to be quiet. Abigail skirted around the dune and hid behind the trunk of a large tree. She glanced around frantically until she spotted a large, moss covered rock. Abigail dug it from the ground and looked to October for approval. October was scared, but she nodded back, knowing that even if they could call the police, it would be too late.

The two silenced their sobs long enough to hear the approaching driver. He had slowed to a walk, unable to keep up with the athletic girls. He pushed an overhanging branch away from his face and looked around in the darkness. When he saw nothing, he huffed and put his hands on his hips, shaking his head in defeat. Still he continued on as if he were still enjoying the hunt.

As his boots crunched along the forest floor, Abigail help the rock too her chest until his shoe appeared on the other side of the tree. October shifted and unintentionally released an echoing "Craccckkk!"

The driver darted for the sound. That's when Abigail appeared. October stared, horrified as Abigail bashed the driver in the back. As he fell to the ground, she lifted the rock above her head and dropped it down on his skull. October grimaced as she did it again and again until not only the rock was covered in blood, but so was Abigail.

She threw the rock into his face, leaving him no longer recognizable as a human being. He was scum; a rock to meld into the Earth and eventually be covered in blood-stained moss.  After a few more thrusts, Abigail tossed the rock aside lazily. She fell to her knees and sighed with absolution. October crept from the dune and put her hand on Abigail's shoulder. "Are you alright?" She muttered shakily.

Abigail nodded, her voice solid and grim. "I am, he's not." The girls leaned into each other, exhaustedly relieved. As October was about to stand, a small gleam of light on the forest floor caught her eye. Falling from the driver's open hand was a cell phone. October bent down and pried it from his finger tips. She scoffed, "Huh, his phone looks just like yours, Abby."

Abigail's eyes widened. Her face was white and her hands began to shake. "What's wrong?" October stammered, already sensing their mistake. "Oh God, October," Abigail began to weep, "That is my phone!"

As Abigail burst into tears, October stood in the darkness, phone in hand. She stared down at the mutilated corpse that was once a man and realized,

"We're the murderers."
:new: Although I did not originally place in `Memnalar's contest, I've chosen to submit this piece to #creativitytoconcept's Escape Contest. :nuu:

The above deviation is an entry to the ESCAPE Contest hosted and organized by #creativitytoconcept :happybounce:

I felt that my short story Disillusioned fit one of the contest journal's definition of escape very well:

:bulletblue: Succeed in avoiding or eluding something dangerous, unpleasant, or undesirable.

Yesh... October & Abigail have certainly succeeded in escaping. :paranoid:

Wish me luck! :squee:

:new: My piece was featured by =DailyLitDeviations! Thank you *doodlerTM for choosing Disillusioned for the November 4th, 2012 feature.

Daily Literature Deviations for November 4th, 2012
Guidelines | How to Suggest a DLD | Group Administrators | Affiliation | Chatroom | Current Staff Openings

Daily Lit Deviations for November 4th, 2012

We are proud to feature today's Daily Literature Deviations! You can show your support by :+favlove:ing this News Article. Please comment and :+fav: the features and congratulate the artists! :pointr: For all of the featured artists: If y

... there's a killer in all of us. :paranoid:

dis-il-lu-sioned /ˌdisəˈlo͞oZHənd/

Disappointed in someone or something that one discovers to be less good than one had believed.

This is my entry for `Memnalar's All Hallow's Tales Contest, complete at 1,604 words. The theme for this lit. contest was Blood Country - in light of the holidays.

This was a real pleasure to write and I hope I've managed to shock my readers as is my usual intention. :love:

:heart: `OfOneSoul

, , &

A taste of my writing inspiration for this short story. Only If For A Night by Florence + the Machine.

Credit for the preview image goes to ~KrsGfx. Please :+fav: the original preview image at their deviation, [IMSMiniContest] We are...
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The characters are believeable,although I have never heard the name "October" before,it seems like it could be a real name,and a very pretty one. Even though it's a short piece,you do go into detail a little bit about the girls,although it would be better if you described them.

The dialogue is pretty well written and there could be a little bit more dialogue to help describe the girls' feelings,but overall,it seems believable (for what I assume) is teen aged girls or young women.

The story idea is original,and I liked where you described the little chase scene.

The ending was a little bit confusing,I had to re-read the ending and the entire paragraph a couple more times before I understood what happened. Also,did they check his pulse to see if he was really dead?

It didn't impact me as much as I thought it would,and I had expected more of a lesson to be learned or some sort of second link to go on with the story. It would be a little bit better if you added a second part if you wished just to clarify exactly what happened. The story will stick in my mind for quite some time,and it had my heart race a little bit.

Third person was a great technique to use here,as it shows both the girls' terror and surprise,and not just one person's side of the story.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
7 out of 9 deviants thought this was fair.

Critique by Kymira12 Oct 27, 2012, 5:46:34 AM
:iconinspiretheuninspired: #InspireTheUninspired

Just to let you know, I wrote my groups name because that is how I found your piece. Anything I say is strictly my opinion. Instead of doing it how deviantART suggests, I'll just answer your questions.

:bulletpurple: Are the characters believable? In my opinion, they are very believable. The contrasting attitudes between the girls is what makes them more likable and it is more than likely that two people with totally different attitudes are drawn together. I have seen relationships between friends weirder than a smart cautioner and her reckless best friend. They acted how a typical teenager would but I think by killing him went a little too far since most would think to knock the person out and not aim to kill him like it seems Abigail intentionally seemed to do.

I do question why we don't hear the guy from the truck and why he would run all that way just for a phone. That's the only I don't understand about it since I can honestly say that where I live, if you lose a phone you can expect it gone. He can just be a really kind person though but the only time we hear him is the opening line.

:bulletgreen: Do you like the story? I definitely liked reading this since your characters kept me reading. I was on the edge of my seat wondering what was going to happen next even though I probably already knew.

:bulletpurple: How is the description? The description was great and to be honest, you used the perfect amount of description to the counteract the dialogue and emotions.

:bulletgreen: Does the dialogue flow well? The dialogue was good. The only real problem I had with it was the ending line. It doesn't give as much of a shock factor and I feel as if it could be a little better to give the story that *le gasp* factor, you know?

:bulletpurple: What do you think of the story-telling? It's consistent and believable which are good things.

:bulletgreen: How original is the story? Well it's fairly original. To be honest, these scenes are just things that I've already seen before but the way you have written it is what makes it unique since it is so well written.

:bulletpurple: What is your favourite part? The chase scene is definitely my favourite. It gives a little bit of thrill while reading and I like that.

:bulletgreen: Was the ending clear enough? Judging by others comments that they didn't quite understand it but I found that I understood it perfectly. The ending was was clear but it was let down by the closing dialogue, like I said before.

Overall: I enjoyed reading this piece and I wish you the best of luck in the contest! :aww:
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
10 out of 10 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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MaryRose412 Featured By Owner May 8, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
huh, i just don't understand why everyone thinks the ending is confusing... great story though!
pinballwitch Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012
Congrats on DLD!

As has been said, the ending took too long to puzzle out. That's your key spot for revision.
OfOneSoul Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for your suggestion, my dear! And for the congratulatory comment. :huggle:
OfOneSoul Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks so much, sweetheart! :glomp:

Suspense was exactly what I was aiming for. :la: And yes, I too pity the driver... he only wanted to help! :cries:
OfOneSoul Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for the lovely comment, sweetie! :tighthug:

I'm glad you enjoyed the story as well as my writing style. :glomp: And October has quickly become one of my favorite names now. :nod: I'll be sure to check out your piece when I find the time. :smooch:

:heart: *OfOneSoul
xgnyc Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
GREAT!! :dance: Thank you so much for entering the contest and best of luck to you!
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