Sta.sh
"You girls need a ride?"
October looked up, letting her eyes stray from the gravel beneath her feet. She had been walking along the highway for so long she had started counting her steps to pass the time, hoping that when she finally looked up she would see civilization. Abigail ran to the truck driver's passenger door, haphazardly pushing past October as if she had never ridden in a vehicle before.
October glared at the driver's soiled clothes, greasy hair, and crooked teeth. She imagined his smell which made her gag uncontrollably. It was as if his unkemptness was setting off red flags in her head: "Never talk to strangers. And never accept rides from hillbilly truck drivers in the middle of nowhere."
"Where are you headed?" Abigail questioned playfully. Even though she was a few years older than October, it seemed to make her more reckless than wise. Before the driver had the chance to wheeze whatever location in Kansas he was headed to, October yanked the sultry temptress to her side - and waved a pleasant dismissal.
She pushed the uncooperative Abigail along the road until the driver finally began moving again. He drove past the couple slowly as if hoping they would change their minds. However; October knew only too well what he was interested in. Without looking up, she heard a heavy scoff and imagined an irritated expression as the truck sped off along the empty road surrounded by grasslands.
Abigail sighed impatiently, like a child who didn't understand why they couldn't stick forks in the power outlet. Her boots kicked loose rocks aimlessly, as if she were begging for any small amount of attention. "Look," October began, refusing to play her little games, "We'll just keep walking until we reach a house, and then we'll call a tow truck. Someone has to live out here, there's corn everywhere."
Abigail smirked, as if she had just realized her friend was the biggest idiot in Kansas. "That guy could have had a cell phone that actually gets signal out here!" October shoved her lightly, trying to be gentle but stern. "Yeah, but at least this way we don't get raped and scarred for life just before I move into a coed dorm, okay?"
Abigail smiled and returned the shove, signifying that she understood. "Always at risk, but never the risk taker. Huh, October?" They grinned warmly at each other and locked arms as they'd done for years. The two continued their tread down the road, talking about the upcoming school year to pass the time. October considered all the courses she would take her freshman year and Abigail pondered all the parties she would crash and the hot frat boys she'd hook up with as a junior. When the giggling finally died down and they realized they'd walked an hour without seeing any barns or a bar of signal on their phones, something recognizable finally came into view.
The large black truck they had been invited to board earlier was parked along the side of the road. It was as if the girls' bad luck was contagious. Recognizing this moment from any b horror movie, October stopped in her tracks. Her eyes darted back and forth as if she half expected the driver to jump out from an obscure hiding place.
It seemed that the truck driver had reached the beginning of the only forest for miles and either broke down or was lying in wait for any number of ghastly reasons October was imagining. That's when Abigail sprinted for the truck.
October gasped and darted after her. However; she wasn't nearly as fast as Abigail, even in her tennis shoes. Before October could even cry out, Abigail had the driver's door open and was hopping inside. October ran to her side and grabbed her arm, attempting to pull her out of the driver's seat.
"Get out of there, Abby! Before he comes back." Abigail slammed her hands against the wheel. "Damn! He took his keys." As the girl ducked her head under the dashboard seemingly hunting for a spare set, October began desperately yanking her by the foot. "What the Hell are you thinking!?"
Abigail turned to face her, a mischievous smile playing along her lips. "You said you didn't want to hitch a ride with the guy? Okay, fine. Then let's ride without him." October was about to snap back when they both noticed the unusual sound of water splattering against the Earth. They both carefully looked around the corner of the truck where the driver stood in plain view.
He had unbuttoned his pants and was publicly urinating on the side of the road. He released a disturbing groan, feeling the relief of an empty bladder. As he refastened his pants, he turned slowly and stared directly at the feuding girls. A malicious smile creased the wrinkles of his face. His unnaturally tanned skin and sweaty brow accentuated the deviousness that October could only imagine lurked within. He began chuckling evilly and started walking towards the two.
Mutually overcome by panic, Abigail jumped from the truck and the two girls sprinted towards an opening in the oncoming forest. They ran aimlessly, dodging limbs and loose dirt in an attempt to put as much space between them and a possibly vengeful redneck. When they had both hopelessly ran out of breath, they stopped in a dark grove where any movement would have sent them into a panic attack.
The girls leaned on each other, still reeling from the adrenaline. Finally October caught Abigail's wandering eyes, and they both fought the urge to smile. Their hesitant laughter filled the woods as they shrugged off their previous fears. "Always the risk taker. Right, Abigail?" October coughed out a friendly chuckle.
"That's okay," Abigail began, "All I have to do is outrun you." They both started giggling frantically, allowing the relief to wash over them. Until they heard a branch crack under an overweight foot.
In the shadows October could barely make out the sinister silhouette of an approaching truck driver. She recognized his smell, however; and the sick way that he chuckled. He stepped out into the grove, his face lit by the falling sunshine. He was smiling.
October grabbed Abigail's arm and screamed, "Run!" Abigail's face was genuinely terrified as they sprinted further into the woods. Every once and a while they could hear the clumsy steps of the driver's heavy feet as he pursued them. October cried to Abigail who had taken the lead, "See if your phone has service, call the police!"
October watched Abigail search her pockets in vain. "Shit, I lost it! Even if I hadn't, what are the odds!? We have to do something October!" October's breath had finally run out. She collapsed against a tree as Abigail ran to her side. Abigail urged her to keep moving but when she realized their was no hope, she dragged October to a dune partially hidden in brambles.
Abigail raised her fingers to her lips, urging October to be quiet. Abigail skirted around the dune and hid behind the trunk of a large tree. She glanced around frantically until she spotted a large, moss covered rock. Abigail dug it from the ground and looked to October for approval. October was scared, but she nodded back, knowing that even if they could call the police, it would be too late.
The two silenced their sobs long enough to hear the approaching driver. He had slowed to a walk, unable to keep up with the athletic girls. He pushed an overhanging branch away from his face and looked around in the darkness. When he saw nothing, he huffed and put his hands on his hips, shaking his head in defeat. Still he continued on as if he were still enjoying the hunt.
As his boots crunched along the forest floor, Abigail help the rock too her chest until his shoe appeared on the other side of the tree. October shifted and unintentionally released an echoing "Craccckkk!"
The driver darted for the sound. That's when Abigail appeared. October stared, horrified as Abigail bashed the driver in the back. As he fell to the ground, she lifted the rock above her head and dropped it down on his skull. October grimaced as she did it again and again until not only the rock was covered in blood, but so was Abigail.
She threw the rock into his face, leaving him no longer recognizable as a human being. He was scum; a rock to meld into the Earth and eventually be covered in blood-stained moss. After a few more thrusts, Abigail tossed the rock aside lazily. She fell to her knees and sighed with absolution. October crept from the dune and put her hand on Abigail's shoulder. "Are you alright?" She muttered shakily.
Abigail nodded, her voice solid and grim. "I am, he's not." The girls leaned into each other, exhaustedly relieved. As October was about to stand, a small gleam of light on the forest floor caught her eye. Falling from the driver's open hand was a cell phone. October bent down and pried it from his finger tips. She scoffed, "Huh, his phone looks just like yours, Abby."
Abigail's eyes widened. Her face was white and her hands began to shake. "What's wrong?" October stammered, already sensing their mistake. "Oh God, October," Abigail began to weep, "That is my phone!"
As Abigail burst into tears, October stood in the darkness, phone in hand. She stared down at the mutilated corpse that was once a man and realized,
"We're the murderers."
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Although I did not originally place in `
Succeed in avoiding or eluding something dangerous, unpleasant, or undesirable.
ing this News Article. Please comment and 
the features and congratulate the artists! 
For all of the featured artists: If y
`
And yes, I too pity the driver... he only wanted to help! 
I'll be sure to check out your piece when I find the time. 
Thank you so much for entering the contest and best of luck to you!
I really enjoyed this piece, although I feel that the beginning is written better than the ending, even though the end is where everything pretty much happens.
I think this is probably because there's a lot of tension there, but i feel as though it could flow a little better if you mixed up the sentence structure a bit. Also i think sometimes you stick a describing word in there that's not needed, for example when you say she moved "and unintentionally released" - we can guess she wouldn't do it on purpose so you don't need "unintentionally". To mix up the structure of the sentences, you could change it to "shifted, releasing an echoing".
Your dialogue formatting is wrong is some places. You need to start a new paragraph for every speaker. eg
Abigail smirked, as if she had just realized her friend was the biggest idiot in Kansas. "That guy could have had a cell phone that actually gets signal out here!"
New paragraph
October shoved her lightly, trying to be gentle but stern. "Yeah, but at least this way we don't get raped and scarred for life just before I move into a coed dorm, okay?"
Apart from that, there are just some small grammar and spelling mistakes that just need correcting.
This is a great piece that held a lot of tension, well done!
Right then, here we go then. I'll do my usual grammar and plot line sweep, and then move into the questions you asked.
-Nice start, by diving straight into the action with speech.
-“October glared at the driver's soiled clothes, greasy hair, and crooked teeth.”
You don’t need the comma after ‘greasy hair’ because you already have ‘and’. You wouldn’t say ‘That car is red, and green’.
-“She imagined his smell which made her gag uncontrollably.”
‘Which’ is only used after a comma, otherwise it should be ‘that’.
-Nice use of formatting.
-“However; October knew only too well what he was interested in.”
This shouldn’t be a semicolon. ‘However’ isn’t a sentence; it cannot be treated as one. Just a comma would do here.
-“…why they couldn't stick forks in the power outlet.”
I think it might just be me, but I think saying ‘stick forks into power outlets’ works better. It’s more infinitive, determining power outlet as ‘the’ sets it very specifically. I feel like there’s something unbalanced with plurals, too.
‘stick a fork into a power outlet’ etc
-"Get out of there, Abby! Before he comes back." Abigail slammed her hands against the wheel. "Damn! He took his keys." As the girl ducked her head under the dashboard seemingly hunting for a spare set, October began desperately yanking her by the foot. "What the Hell are you thinking!?"
I’m unsure of who does/says what here. Because there aren’t any line breaks, showing a different character is speaking, it doesn’t make sense.
-"That's okay," Abigail began, "all I have to do is outrun you."
The a for ‘all’ should be lower case. If you removed the speech tag it woul have read:
‘That’s okay, All I have to do is outrun you.’
-“In the shadows October could barely make out the sinister silhouette of an approaching truck driver. She recognized his smell, however; and the sick way that he chuckled. He stepped out into the grove, his face lit by the falling sunshine. He was smiling.”
You’ve got some nice use of the letter s as broken alliteration. It makes me think though, could this be more of an effect? Could it represent anything? Obviously, if they’d seen a snake kill and eat a mouse, it would mirror what happens to them. Maybe, the truck driver could have a wheeze, a ‘ssss’ sound. Could the repetition of s mean he’s getting closer?
-Losing the phone seems quite unlikely in this short amount of time, at least if not mentioned. OHH, I’ve got an idea. It might not fit in, but what if she lost her phone while she was in the truck. The truck driver could then call October’s phone from Abigail’s. Creepy, right there. Should change, ‘I’ve lost it’ to ‘where is it?’ in any case.
(Now, I’ve reached the end… I see this was already, in part, going to happen)
-“Abigail urged her to keep moving but when she realized there
theirwas no hope, she dragged October to a dune partially hidden in brambles.”Wrong ‘their’.
-“moss-covered”
Added hyphen because you’re using it as a single adjective.
-“…Abigail help the rock too her chest…”
Shouldn’t this be:
‘Abigail held the rock to her chest’
-When Abigail attacks him, I found it so unrealistic. You’ve built the character as outgoing, naïve.. but now she’s beating him not only once to knock him out but mutilate him. I don’t see it happening.
I could argue that she was driven by rage. But what rage? What made her angry?
To be honest, the driver hasn’t actually done anything wrong. All their fear is based on their assumptions. He could still be coming to help them. Until he does something to contradict that, it is a little unrealistic.
Like I said before, what if he phoned them? Could the girls be separated, and then the driver takes October, and drags her away by the throat? It would give Abigail more of a reason to get angry. I’m not saying her character wouldn’t do this. She just needs more of a reason to.
-“bloodstained” doesn’t need a hyphen
-"Are you alright?" (lower case s)he muttered shakily.
Speech tags are part of the speech sentence, and shouldn’t be capitalized.
-There needs to be more of a break between the two parts of this speech:
"I am, he's not."
Using a period and making it in into two sentences would achieve that.
-“fingertips” is one word
-"What's wrong?" October stammered, already sensing their mistake. "Oh God, October," Abigail began to weep, "That is my phone!"
Each time a different character speaks, there needs to be a new line:
"What's wrong?" October stammered, already sensing their mistake.
"Oh God, October." Abigail began to weep. "That is my phone!"
-I don’t think the gap between the speech and last paragraph works. I know you could say it’s artistic, but it feels a bit un-jointed to me. You could still have the same effect, but with a slight change:
‘She stared down at the mutilated corpse that was once a man and realized a terrible truth.
"We're the murderers."’
I realize now why you can’t have the driver doing anything too creepy. But that makes it really hard to justify Abigail’s reaction, and subsequent murder. She needs a reason to turn murderer. That’s my biggest issue with this piece.
Also, why didn't the truck driver just shout "Hey, I've got you're phone!"?
That said, you do have a wonderfully clear writing style. And I do like the story, and how it twists at the end. It's never clear why the girls are walking in the middle of nowhere, though. And I think it should be important, because it could directly influence what they have with them, what state of mind they're in (are they tired, already afraid that they won't find help soon etc)
The description, I think, if fine. I'm a lover of some good description, so I'd love to see a little bit more of the visuals. Is the sun out? How could that represent the darkness of the woods they run into? Would the sun come out after the murder, or not? Should it be darker then? There are plenty of things to think about if you start looking.
Dialogue flows well. It's economical, like real speech is. The characters themselves are nicely unique - and by that I mean they're different from each other. It means we can tell them apart by dialogue or actions alone. Most of the time anyway…
I don't think the story is that original. As soon as you have a 'classic horror' it's quite hard to deviate from either ending it as a horror, or reversing it. Like I said before, you need a really good reason to make the reverse work (Abigail's decision to kill).
My favourite part, actually, is probably when they're just walking along the road. That's the part I could actually imagine best; it seemed the most natural and it's the image that stuck in my head. I don't know why they're walking, still. And that would influence how I imagine them. Do they have rucksacks on, for example.
I understood the end. It seemed very clear to me. But then again, I realised that he had her phone straight away. In fact, you could make that more obvious, mention it as a bad thing, and then reverse it:
"I can't find my phone. I don't understand when it could have fallen out of my…"
"Oh my god."
"He's got my phone. That's got all my contacts in it. He knows where we live, October! He knows everything!"
That might also give Abigail more of a reason to want to kill him.
I hope all of that makes sense. If it doesn't, please let me know and I'll try to answer any questions
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